AUTHOR: loopy
CATEGORY: Musing
RATING: General
SPOILERS: Enigma, Thor’s Hammer, Thor’s Chariot, Solitudes, Secrets
SET: Towards the end of season 2
SUMMARY: Daniel considers what the future might hold for him.
Thanks to my beta reader JB for her help on this piece.
All feedback welcome.
At first glance the man looked no different to any of the other people in the group, or the people moving between the huts, shouting to one another and calling to the children who played in an open space in the middle. But if you took a closer look you might notice the metal rimmed glasses that perched on his nose, and looked out of place in this otherwise backward-appearing community. If you looked closer still, you might then notice his skin and hair were lighter than those of his companions, although his conversation was just as animated as that of the others.
The man pushed the glasses up his nose in a gesture that was obviously a very familiar one, and thought once again how lucky he was. Lucky that in eight years on this planet he had not once broken his glasses, and lucky to be on that planet at all.
"Dani-el".
A raven-haired woman who called from the nearest hut, a laughing baby balanced on her hip, broke him from his reverie, and he excused himself from the discussion and turned to face her.
"Dani-el, the baby needs changing, and if I do it the dinner will burn."
Daniel stood and held his arms out for the baby, who chuckled and almost threw herself into the arms of her beloved father.
The woman stood looking at her husband for a minute, marvelling that he did not think twice to do a job that any other man she knew would never do under any circumstances. "Dani-el, I do love you," she said, smiling, and Daniel smiled back. "I love you too, Sha’re," he responded. "You know I always will."
Sha’re turned and went back to the fire, where she was stirring the day’s meal, while Daniel moved to the hut he shared with his family, laid the baby down on a rug and started to peel off the cloths wrapped around her lower half. "That’s one thing that would be really useful," he thought to himself. "What I wouldn’t give for a supply of Pampers right now."
There wasn’t much he missed from the old world. Sometimes at first he would make the long trek across the sand to the temple, and sit staring at the pile of stones burying the large ring at one end. It wasn’t that he wanted to return, but rather that he was daring himself to return and end the dream.
Eventually he had tired of the walk, finding the effort taken to put one foot in front of the other on the sand pointless, and preferring to help Sha’re, or spend time with Ska’ara and his friends learning the language.
Now he realised he had not been back to the temple in over a year.
Daniel was pulled back to attention by the smell from the nappy he was removing, and he wrinkled his nose. "Shokle, how do you manage to be so charming at one end and so utterly disgusting at the other?" he asked her, revelling in the chuckle he received as answer.
Just then a child about four years old ran up to him. "Daddy, Daddy, will you come and play?" the child asked.
Daniel frowned at him. "Just a minute, Jack, I’m busy," he said, then smiled. "But I’ll play as soon as I’ve finished with your sister."
As the boy ran back to join his friends Daniel watched him. He had found it hard being a father at first, had not known how to play with his children or what to do with them – his memories of his own parents included no times of play together, just being told to "go away and play, we’re busy", and that had been his inclination at first when Jack was born, but gradually the realisation had sunk in that there was no work to do now, and he had learnt to relax and have fun. Now it was often he that was in trouble with Sha’re for being late for meals, often he that instigated the mischief the children got into during the day.
He thought of the man who had been responsible for the name his son carried, the Colonel that had led the mission to Abydos, that Daniel had played a major part in, and that had led to him meeting Sha’re. Occasionally these days he wondered how Jack was, whether he had got over the death of his son, or if he had finally found some way to self destruct for the sake of his country. But those occasions became fewer and longer apart as Daniel adjusted to his new life and forgot the old.
But even as Daniel cuddled his daughter and watched his wife and son together the sky suddenly turned dark, then rippled like a pond. It looked vaguely familiar, and Daniel frowned, trying to make sense of it all. A towering figure appeared with glowing eyes, and snatched Sha’re and the children up in his hand, and Daniel suddenly understood – Apophis –destroying his dream just as he had destroyed it two years ago.
"Sha’re!" he cried out in anguish. "Sha’re…"
"Daniel," said a voice quietly but insistently in his ear.
"Sha’re?" said Daniel, then took a deep breath as he realised it was Jack kneeling over him, trying to wake him up.
"Jack," he whispered, half angry with his friend for dragging him back to reality, and ashamed at having yelled and woken him.
"It’s okay, Daniel, it was just a dream."
Daniel nodded shakily, adjusting to the fact that they were on a planet with the memorable designation P3X994, sleeping around a campfire in the shelter of a ruined temple, and not on Abydos, where he had left so much of his life behind. "Sorry," he whispered.
"It’s okay, I don’t think you disturbed the others," Jack whispered back, glaring across at Sam by the light of the campfire that burned between them. "They’re still asleep. There’s no danger." Sam nodded slightly and lay back down.
Daniel rubbed his face with his hands, trying to break free from the images that still crowded his mind.
Jack returned to his post at the side of the doorway, and Daniel closed his eyes. Just a dream, Jack had said. Which was the dream? Sha’re being taken? No, that was real. The dream part was the children, and being happy together. That was the dream, one that he knew now he had had no right to. Father? What sort of father would he have made? He thought of his own father, distant and cold, and how he’d held back from having children with Sha’re, scared that he would be useless as a father.
Sha’re had pleaded and begged, and finally he’d given in, agreed to take the risk and have a child with her.
But first they had to wait for Sh’are’s cycle to complete, and while they were waiting Ska’ara’s guards reported activity at the Stargate…
And the rest, Daniel thought to himself, is history. Now he was condemned to wander the universe in search of her, not knowing whether his dream would ever become reality.
And he turned on his stomach, put his head on his arms and wept for the wife he had lost and the children he had never had.
After a while Daniel calmed down and rolled over onto his back, gazing through the temple entrance at the stars that shone brightly in the sky above. His last thought before he fell asleep again was that it was funny how when they got back to Earth the sun that shone around this planet so brightly by day would appear as one of those stars. "You can never be here and there at the same time," he thought drowsily to himself.
********
Daniel sat on the hill, gazing down at the ruins of the temple below. Children played nearby, but their screams of laughter had no effect on him. He barely glanced up as one of the bigger boys, with dark skin and short black hair, ran across in front of him, closely followed by a smaller boy.
"Help me, Dani-el", cried the older boy, grabbing Daniel by the arm, but Daniel brushed him off.
"Go play, Strak’re," he ordered brusquely.
"You’re no fun, Dani-el," the boy complained.
Daniel tried to raise a smile. "I’m sorry, Strak’re, I’m just tired, and I have a headache."
"Go and see Mama Sha’re, she’ll make you better. She says you sit out in the sun too much."
This time Daniel did manage a smile. "And she’s right," he admitted. "I’ll go indoors in just a minute Strak’re." The child, satisfied, raced off again, brought his friend down on the sand with a flying tackle and started to wrestle with him.
Daniel’s smile faded as he watched. Strak’re was a good kid, he mused, but still – he looked little different from any of the other children playing in the sand; all of them had dark hair and skins brown from the sun which beat down hotly during the day, but Strak’re’s skin was a little darker than most, and his hair curled tighter. But every time he looked at him all Daniel could see was Strak’re’s likeness to his father, Daniel’s enemy, and Daniel could close his eyes and see again Apophis’s face, his eyes glowing from the symbiont within. The man who had taken Sha’re away from Daniel, turned her into an enemy, and fathered a child on her.
The man, Daniel reminded himself sharply, to whom he had whispered comfort in ancient Egyptian as he lay dying – only to hand him over to Sokar to be brought back to life for more torture. Daniel tried hard to separate the two in his mind, the evil of Apophis and the helplessness of the host, but every time he did so he was reminded again of how the Goa’uld were still out there somewhere, capturing and enslaving others, and how he himself had abandoned the fight against them.
Sha’re came out of one of the huts and, seeing Daniel sitting on his own, walked across to him.
"What is wrong, my husband?" she asked softly, sinking to her knees beside him.
Daniel shook his head. "Nothing’s wrong Sha’re, everything’s fine," he lied.
Sha’re took his hand. "There is something wrong, my Dani-el," she said gently. "Will you tell me what it is? Why are you not happy here?"
Daniel looked her in the eyes then. It was time to admit how he felt. "I am happy to be with you, Sha’re," he said truthfully. "It’s just – I feel like I’ve let them down."
"Your friends."
"Yes. I keep thinking maybe I should have stayed on the team and helped out."
"Then why did you not?"
"I don’t know. I was so happy to have you back. I wanted – I guess I wanted to wipe out the past, to go back to how we were before Apophis ever showed up."
"But that is not possible, Dani-el," said Sha’re.
"I know that now, but at the time –" Daniel sighed, took off his glasses and rubbed his face with his hands. "All the time you were gone, I missed you terribly. I was so desperate to have you back! And then we did rescue you, and I was so happy!"
Daniel thought back to that time. He had been so determined to return to life on Abydos that he had not given himself enough time to think things through, he realised that.
He gazed back at the temple again.
"And now, my husband, you think differently?" prompted Sha’re.
"Oh, not in being with you, that could never be a mistake," he reassured her, stroking her cheek gently.
"But in leaving your friends?"
"Yes. I never really understood it before, but the fight grew nearly as important to me as getting you back. Almost more important, on some level, I don’t know. As beautiful and perfect as you are, you’re still just one person, and the Stargate project was sometimes about saving whole worlds. Rescuing you was important to me, more important than you’ll ever understand, but maybe things didn’t have to end there. Maybe they shouldn’t have ended there. I could have stayed on, at least helping at the base, acting as consultant. Whereas here – "
"Here you cannot even grind flour properly," Sha’re finished with a small smile.
Daniel thumped her gently on the arm. "See, I keep telling you I’m useless," he chided her, then grew serious again. "Oh Sha’re, I’ve made a big mistake, and there’s nothing I can do about it."
Sha’re indicated the temple with her hand. "Can you not recover the Stargate?"
"It’s buried under tons of rubble, Sha’re. And even if I did manage to dig it out, what would I do? Where would I go? I don’t have a transmitter for the iris code, and even if I did, I couldn’t leave you again."
"There are other places and other people working for the downfall of the Goa’uld," Sha’re informed him seriously. "I still carry Amonet’s memories inside me. There are a few places I know that we could start from."
Daniel caught hold of her arm. "We?" he said urgently.
Sha’re nodded again, and put her hand up to feel the scar at the back of her neck. "It is my fight too, Dani-el," she reminded him sombrely. "I too feel that I would be better out there fighting than trying to fit back here where many people are still afraid of me."
Daniel took hold of her hands. "I’m sorry, Sha’re, I insisted on bringing you back here, in trying to fit back in and go back to our dream, and I should have realised…"
"It was my dream too, Dani-el," said Sha’re. "I, too, hoped to regain what we had lost. But I am changed, as you are changed, by our experiences, and I am no longer content to be just a wife cooking and mending, just as you are no longer content to study our texts and our lives."
"But Strak’re," Daniel reminded her.
"I regret it, but I do not feel that he is my son," Sha’re answered sadly. "My sister and her husband did a good job raising him while we were not here, and I am sure they will continue to do so again when we are gone."
This was true; Daniel still remembered the look on his sister-in-law’s face when she was told Sha’re had returned to claim her child as her own. Shor’la’s baby had died just before Strak’re was born, and she and her husband had raised him and loved him as though he were hers.
Daniel turned again to look at the temple. "But without the Stargate there is no way out of here for either of us."
Sha’re moved so that she was within his gaze. "But my husband, I watched the preparations you made, and I understood," she said quietly.
Daniel looked her in surprise. "And you said nothing?" He thought of the time when he had supervised and helped as the men of the village dismantled the Stargate and lay it flat on the floor of the temple, and removed the DHD from the building. Then he had arranged the C4 to blow up the building, to bury the Stargate under the rubble of the temple. Why had he made such careful preparation, if not to ensure that it was possible to retrieve the gate? Sha’re had watched, and understood his desire even though he refused to admit it even to himself.
"You wanted to return to your dream. I said nothing until you understood for yourself that there can be no return."
Daniel stood and embraced his wife. Truly he had found his soulmate, the one who would share his life and his dreams. Even if he did not manage to rejoin his friends on SG-1, at least he had the knowledge that he would be working towards the same goal, and that this time, his beloved Sha’re would be by his side, helping him.
****
"DanielJackson, it is your turn to keep watch."
Daniel woke with a start, still feeling Sha’re’s body within his arms, and it took a few seconds to bring himself back to earth – or at least to P3X994. He nodded to Teal’c, then took his place by the entrance. He watched as Teal’c lay back down by the fire and fell asleep almost immediately. ‘I wonder if he has dreams like that about his family,’ he mused.
The other two did not stir, both deeply asleep. Daniel marvelled that they could sleep so well in any conditions. No strange dreams for them! 'Military training, I suppose,' he shrugged, not for the first time envying his companions the training which enabled them to cope – almost thrive – in situations where he himself struggled.
‘Snap out of it, Jackson,’ he ordered. ‘They may be better in hostile situations than you, but you do pretty well despite the lack of training.’ And there were times when not being military had its advantages, he mused, remembering the time when he was the only one who could help the Tollans without fear of court-martial.
‘Besides, I’m a quick learner. That’s always been on my side.’ He smiled as he recalled the time when Jack had taught him to handle a gun. The older man had been surprised and pleased at how quickly Daniel had learnt, and he’d even commented on it. Jack had come a long way from the opinion he’d first had of Daniel – the scientist geek.
‘I’ve changed a lot,’ Daniel realised suddenly. He’d grown in confidence over the last few years, starting with meeting Sha’re and gaining a family and going on through losing them and – ‘and gaining another family,’ Daniel thought. This wasn’t a group of people making a team, they were a team first and individuals second. Daniel shuddered as he recalled the time when he had been forced to destroy Sha’re’s best hope so far in order to save Teal’c – but there had never really been any doubt that he would do so. And the time when he had struggled to find out what had happened to Jack and Sam after a mission went wrong.
‘And how did I find them in the end?’ thought Daniel with a grin. ‘With my intelligence and my ability to avoid assumptions.’ The same way he had found Thor’s Might and saved a whole race of people from slavery under Heru’ur, not to mention rescuing himself and the team from certain death – and restoring Sha’re’s hope.
‘You know what, Jackson," he thought to himself. ‘You’re not so useless after all.’
*****
Jack awoke and turned, to see his friend grinning. "Hey, what’s the joke?" he blinked, rubbing his eyes.
"Nothing," Daniel replied cheerfully. "I guess I’ve just realised what fun we guys have."
Jack peered at his team-mate suspiciously. "Are you sure you’re feeling okay?" he grumbled.
"Yes, Jack," Daniel nodded. "Just fine. Everything’s just fine."
And as he sat with the others and ate breakfast he realised that what he said was true. He would continue searching for Sha’re. But important as that was to him, he would not sacrifice what he already had in his pursuit of the past that was forever lost and a future that was hazy and uncertain.
fin
